Just so you know, I'm not

{Note: for those who don't like to read about "girl stuff," avert your eyes.} A few days ago I mentioned a random tidbit of information about myself: that I'm actually really happy whenever my period starts, because it means I'm not pregnant. Well, last week I had a bit of a pregnancy scare. I was a week late, which I know isn't much, but I'm the most regular person in the world, so I was starting to get worried. In fact, I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I'm a bit of a pessimist; I always try to imagine worst-case scenarios, so that I'll never be surprised or disappointed. So naturally, I had to imagine that I was pregnant, because if I thought I wasn't pregnant and it turned out that I actually was, boy, would I be upset.

Although it turned out I got pretty upset just imagining that I was pregnant. I spent a few days moping about the house, thinking of all the ways in which my life was over. I wouldn't be able to travel anywhere for years. My already fitful sleep would become more fitful. I'd have to carry a crying, pooping machine with me everywhere I went. And I wouldn't be able to have a career. Turns out that last one was the one that upset me the most. I don't do anything right now - I'm a housewife - and for a long time I couldn't think of any career I would like to have. But then when I thought I was pregnant, all these tantalizing careers flashed before my eyes: writer, clothing designer, travel guide, interpreter. So I guess I'm not as ambition-less as I thought I was.

Josh and I talked about what would happen if I was pregnant, and that turned into one of those stupid arguments based on hypothetical situations. You know the kind? It went something like this:

Me: I would be so mad if I found out that I was pregnant. I think I would start breaking all the dishes in the house out of rage.

Josh: No you wouldn't.

Me: Yes I would.

Josh: You wouldn't break all the dishes. Then we wouldn't have anything to eat on.

Me: I'm pretty sure that thought wouldn't cross my mind. I would be pretty upset.

Josh: I just don't think you would break the dishes.

Me: Don't tell me what I'm going to do! You don't know what's going through my brain. If I want to break the dishes, I'LL BREAK THE DISHES! Also, I'll kick any male in your family in the balls if they say it's about time we started having kids.

Josh: No you won't.

Me: You don't know that. If you had to shove a kid out of your vagina, you'd be mad, too.

Josh: You're not going to kick anyone in the balls.

Me: If I want to kick someone in the balls, I'LL KICK THEM IN THE BALLS!

Stupid, right? Also, pointless, as it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Friday morning I woke up and decided that I was going to go buy a pregnancy test. Ten minutes later, my period started. I literally cried with relief.

I feel a little pressured to have kids. Not by my family, bless them, but by some people in Josh's family. And I hate that. If I'm going to bring another human into the world, it should be because I wanted to do it, not because everyone else thinks it's about time we started reproducing. People shouldn't have children just because it's the thing to do.

All this isn't to say that I'm not happy for my friends who are pregnant. (All eleven of them.) If you're happy to be pregnant, I'm happy for you. But if you feel like breaking every dish in the house, I will absolutely sympathize with you.